Like Cancer For Dog Crap
People who know me well can smell the stench of hypocrisy coming a mile away -except now that stench is a reprieve of fresh clean clothes, illustrious hair and great health.
Yes, I smoked for 10 years. I quit a long time ago and I have smoked sporadically since then. And as those on-again/off-again episodes became fewer and fewer, I finally woke up one day with the resolve to stay off them for good. But the craving tends to resurface here and there- much like that luscious lifelong recurring dream where I’m stark naked in public.
It’s been almost 10 years and I don’t think the urge will ever go away entirely- my lasting legacy for throwing away some of the healthiest years of my life. A parting gift, courtesy of the billion-dollar tobacco industry douches whose pockets I helped line with better than $10,000 of my money. That doesn’t seem like a lot nowadays but it’s entirely way too much to spend killing myself. I get to die someday for free, why pay good money for it?
Mind you, back when I smoked, cigarettes were well within the $2.00 range and you could get generics for a buck and a quarter if you were desperate. I tried hard not to be too desperate too often because a generic cigarette is the equivalent of plucking that stubborn dandelion weed you’ve already Weed-Be-Gone’d 8 times from the crack in your driveway, rolling it in 3-ring binder paper, and smoking it all the way down until it burns the skin off your fingers.
It’s wretched, the lengths a smoker will go for a cigarette, yet they still can’t quit. But I can’t blame them. It’s single-handedly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve given birth to an 8-pound baby, survived what I believed was a near episode of acute psychosis, and lived through watching a plastic surgeon meticulously sew 68 stitches into my face. If I had to choose any one of these to go through again, I’d do all three in a heartbeat before I’d suffer the mammoth atrocity of quitting smoking.
Loveawake dating site created this handy-dandy list as a self-reminder as to why I quit and as a resource to help keep me from licking the bottom of my shoe should I be stupid enough to put another cigarette to my lips. A good old-fashioned shoe-licking is what I deemed to be appropriate punishment for becoming depraved but then I decided a list would be a lot more sanitary:
#1 They stink right up there on the scale with a fresh pile of dog crap.
#2 They are twice as expensive as a gallon of gas.
#3 You can pump a gallon of gas and simultaneously rocket yourself to the moon while lighting a cigarette.
#4 The gas that shot you to the moon would kill you a lot faster and still be cheaper than that cigarette and its entire pack.
#5 They stain the walls and turn the curtains yellow.
#6 They stain your teeth and turn your toenails yellow.
#7 They cause all forms of gum disease. Pyhorrhea anyone?
#8 They tar your lungs so much you cough and blow black snot.
#9 They make your breath smell like pig manure.
#10 They resemble dog crap wrapped inside white paper.
#11 They are loaded with more chemical additives than Dupont itself can singularly manufacture.
#12 Smoking facilitates your man’s unresponsive wood.
#13 You won’t be getting any because of your man’s unresponsive wood.
#14 They require ashtrays, which are basically fancy-shaped dishes of smeared dog crap.
#15 They taste like you’re sucking on a burning candle.
#16 They turn your teeth into Indian corn.
#17 They deposit dog crap resin behind that dangly thing in the back of your throat.
#18 The fiberglass in filters is made from the same substances used to manufacture the Weed-Be-Gone used in driveways all across the United States.
#19 People don’t want to come over and breathe in your toxic dog crap fumes, thus you have fewer friends.
#20 People think your smoking is disgusting because it is.
So there you have it. For those who plan to quit, I implore you do it, right now, today.
Ditch the dog crap and you’ll find yourself a richer and healthier person who smells so good, you’ll give English roses a run for their money.